UNFINISHED

Sometimes you have one of those days where you can't seem to do anything right. Where all you seem able to do is fumble. You try to finish something but it turns out wrong. You try to barrel through and keep going anyway, though, hoping this peculiar day full of false-starts and frustrations will turn around and you'll finally experience the relief of accomplishment, however small. You haven't given up quite yet. 

Ok, so here you are, determined. You're making an effort on this weird day. Meanwhile, your brain isn't helping because it is unmistakably flooded with the fervent desire to be with the person you love. You miss them. But they don't wish to be with you at this moment in their life. They were with you a lot. But now they suddenly don't want to be "in a relationship". Girlfriend/boyfriend. They say maybe in the future. When our lives are more solidly worked out and put together. As if being together while figuring it all out is an impossibility. It's okay to "hang out" though.

Ok then. We can hang out. I'm trying to stay relaxed about the whole thing. One should never stress out over the many millions of things they have no control over. 

All you can do is have clear boundaries and be a strong person. And don't necessarily hold on so tightly to any dramatic perspective. "Everything or nothing". Most of the time life is fairly messy and it doesn't exactly work like this. Thankfully, I have found that most unresolved things in my life that are the cause of grief, stress, or any kind of anxiety, have a way of resolving themselves without the need for me to meddle. There is a fair amount as a human that is absolutely out of your control. And I know that things are often more complicated than meets the eye. Make no assumptions. Just take a breath, and be okay. You don't have to figure every little thing out right this second.

Human relationships can seem more frustrating than they're worth. In fact, being a human can feel more frustrating than it's worth. 

I was trying to finish a painting last night. And it just never happened. The colors weren't working and I was making all the wrong decisions and getting so caught up in the smallest details for so long that the whole thing stopped making sense to me. 

I often question my ability to judge when something is finished or not. Sometimes I know, but most of the time it seems like I go too far. Like maybe if I had stopped at that one moment then it would've been perfect. 

You have this relationship with what you're expressing. And ideally there is a smooth communication from inside your art-organ, all the way to the outside world. There was a blockade last night. Most would call it creative frustration. Writer's block, but with imagery. Caused most likely by what you could call a love block. You have to be this strong force of nature, enjoying your own life without them in it, even though all you can think about is how it's simple for you. You love them and you want to share your life with them. The life you're in the middle of constantly creating and reinventing. But apparently it's not simple like that for them. And you just have to somehow be okay with that even though it hurts. You have to let it be what it is for now. Whatever it is. I don't know.

I wish I had been able to finish the painting. When I experience this amount of creative frustration I naturally start to question everything. My ability, my self-worth. I tailspin into a dark, heavy cloud of nihilism. But then I am always somehow able to find my footing again. Find meaning in the world. In my life. It's all a process. Up and down. Black and blue. Night and day. And everything in between.